I'm having a hard time letting go of who I was before cancer. My diagnosis came a week after I was married and with our one-year anniversary on the horizon I am having a hard time changing my name. I know this is never easy but it feels like the one last connection to my life "BC", when I was happy and my life felt on track. Perhaps I haven't come to that place yet where I accept Erin post-cancer but I don't want to completely reinvent myself, its exhausting and I really did like "me" before this. I am trying to let go of what was, because it wont ever be the same again - easier said than done but its day by day I guess.

new plans

Chemo - done. Radiation - done. Tamoxifen - started in April. Ovarian suppression on a soft trial that will stop estrogen production for five years with the hope that this will lower risk of recurrence - first shot today, 64 to go. Let's see how the body reacts to this.

When I got engaged it was fun to talk about the house we would buy, or when we would get a dog, or how many kids we would have. Then we got married and the craziness of the wedding was our main topic of conversation. Then after the honeymoon a routine procedure turned into 9 months of hell. The conversation about a house was put on ice. Getting a dog was out of the question because we wouldn't have aforementioned home. Babies...babies were actually a big topic of conversation. The future of my fertility was becoming an innocent victim in the war on breast cancer. How is that something you never had can hurt so much to have taken away? The thought that I might not get the chance to be a mom was heartbreaking. I know, adoption, surrogacy, egg donation. I hated every person who said these words like it was an easy solution. An easy substitute. I'm not ready yet, but to have something else, something beyond my control, dictate what I can and can not do is just infuriating. The doctors told me my chance of being sterile was really low and I responded with "so wasn't my chance of getting cancer". We froze embryos and I have the same fear; these are our emergency back up plan but if they don't work...

The ovarian suppression trial will last for five years. Five years to prepare for the house, the dog (a boxer by the way) and a family. Five years to save up and build our careers a little bit more. Five years to pray to god that this doesn't come back because how could I bring a baby into the world and then leave her. I will be the godmother to my best friend's baby due next month. I will spoil this little one rotten and send him home all sugared up just in time for bed. And we will travel.
Here are our top 14 destinations in no particular order. We WILL get there.

1. Italy
2. Australia
3. California
4. Grand Canyon
5. Bermuda
6. Toronto
7. Ireland
8. Chicago / St. Louis
9. Vegas
10. Colorado
11. Holland
12. Hawaii
13. Prince Edward Island
14. Tokyo

Yes, clearly we are working at being positive. I have to believe that this has made me stronger. I believe that I will be a kick ass mom someday. And I will tell my little girl all about how her mom kicked cancer's ass, wore pink and rocked a pixie cut. I believe that because I have to.

It is such a basic right of passage, love, marriage, family. I think that is what is so hard, these are things you just expect to happen as your grow up. Never really see that wrench thrown in there.
Here is what I do know, our vows have so much more meaning than I ever imagined. For better or worse have taken on a totally new meaning for my husband and I. We were tested early in our marriage, so when we do have kids...they had better be saints. :)

the witness

My liver is a bit out of whack and my 3rd chemo session has been pushed back a week. I know this is for the best but it just sucks to have to add another week onto this. Working from home this morning in my sweats (dont' tell me boss) and there is a knock on the door. I answer and there is a man standing there in a nice suit, I assume he is a politician, wrong. He asks me the most loaded question I have received as of yet. "Do you believe this as the way God intended our life to be?" oooh boy. I am not sure if he saw the bags under my eyes or the fact that I am clearly bald. I of course answered, I hope not! But I do'nt think he caught my drift. He then went on to read part of the bible to me and then said that if I ever needed someone to teach me about the bible or to explain what life after death would be like he and his wife are tutors. My front door held me upright. Thank you sir. I wasn't sure what it was like to face my own mortality. But if you and your wife would ever like to know what its like to have cancer, I can tutor you.

losing hair

So I am half way through chemo. The second session was amazingly difficult. I am pretty sure I haven't been this low since I received my diagnosis. Losing my hair was devastating. I don't think any number of books, articles or talks with survivors can fully prepare you for this. It isn't a vanity issue - its more about the fact that no one sees the scars, no one feels the fear, no one is awake with me at 2 am when my mind won't be quiet. But people see my head and then they just know. Cancer isn't a secret - it just took me a while to not feel embarrased. Yes, I know I have nothing to be ashamed or embarrased about but somethings are easier said than done. Its just that for the first time I feel that I look like I have cancer. Does that make sense? I never felt sick - the only time I really physically hurt was after my surgeries. I think that I was my healthiest when I was diagnosed (irony) and now the medicine that is supposed to make me better makes me feel worse. But the baldness - its just a daily reminder. My family is amazing and supportive and I did get a very lovely wig which has fooled quite a few people. I was glad I finally took control and just shaved it all off. I was actually the best decision I could have made and helped my feel like I was the one calling the shots. It took a week for all of my hair to fall out (the teeny tiny pieces) and I am doing much better. Actually I am getting a little used to being bald, just not used to how chilly I am all of the time. Got a couple of hats to fix that. I know it will come back and I am OK, its just one more thing to deal with.

Cancer SUCKS For President

Or at least the buttons are cool

Happy New Year

Hi Ladies,Happy 2009! I hope you girls had a wonderful new years celebration! We had a "gathering" at our place which turned into a bit of a beirut/journey singing party...as it usually does. But it was definitely a great time. I received some wonderful news for the New Year. The 8 lymph nodes they removed are all negative!!!!! And the surgeon was able to get clean margins which means all of the cancer is GONE. I am hesitant to say I am cancer free just because I still have to meet with the oncologist to determine treatment but I am very excited with this news. The pathology board and Women and Infants reviewed my slides so I had about 20 doctors all concur with the findings.
I have to go for lymphatic therapy b/c they want to make sure my lymphatic system recovers properly and that my arm doesn't swell. I am meeting with a fertility specialist on Monday to discuss those options and, as I mentioned before, have my oncology appointment on Tuesday. They are really doing everything possible for me at the center and my social work counselor has said that she hasn't seen anyone fly through the system like this before. So all in all this was a great holiday and I am really optimistic. Again, thank you so much for all the calls and letters and prayers, it has helped so much. When this is all done we have to celebrate!
Love you girls!xoxo Erin

Wellness Basket

Hi Girls,First, Merry Christmas! Second, thank you all SO much for the gift basket. It was so thoughtful and I really, really appreciate you thinking of me...and my love of food. I saw that pesto jar and was way too excited. I can't want to be able to dive in! I suppose I will share with Bill, he has been quite the attentive husband.
So, I am laying in bed wearing a body wrap and am thinking of what Bill will have to help me pack when he gets home from work. The initial pathology on my lymph nodes was negative so two of the three tests so far look promising. They just have to do an official pathology report so lets pray those come out negative as well. My surgeon had to move some tissue around in my breast so in essence I have had a boob job. She said there would be swelling and I asked her if she could make the other one bigger too. Luckily she laughed. :) Recovery was not so pretty. A million thanks to mrs. spaz for putting my hair in a sweet pony tail and lying to the valet about why we parked more than one car for free (apparently this is frowned upon). I have been eating toast in bed and Bill had to help me change b/c I was covered in crumbs. He used the rolly thing that gets off lint to clean me while I lay in bed. It is all very romantic. Shawna, Erin and Jen...you didn't tell me the first month of marriage would be so glamorous!
But I am feeling hopeful this morning and it isn't the pain killer talking. My Her2/neu test was negative which I don't completely understand b/c they just found out the other day and I didn't really get that explained to me. But I think its a good thing. I have an appointment with the oncologist on the 6th to go over treatment options and will have to meet with a fertility specialist in the meantime as well. It gets a little easier to think about when I know that I am OK inside. Again, one step at a time over here.
I hope you all enjoy your Christmas, please give my love to your families and eat/drink a ton! We are having a low key New Years in Newport and anyone is welcome to join. It could be a quiet night of board games or get kicked into high gear with flip cup. Even with one good boob I will still kick a little ass. :)
Love you girls, Erin